For many, November and December embody the magic of the holiday season. A time to gather with loved ones, exchange gifts, and enjoy the comforts of family, food, and celebration. The holidays are filled with loss, grief, and remembrance for others. Although loss is every day, loss is often more pronounced and intense during the holiday season, which can prompt feelings of dread or avoidance. There isn’t any way around it, holidays can make your grief even harder to carry.

I remember wishing I could press pause on the holidays the first several years following the painful loss of a loved one in my life. I also recall feeling conflicted during some holidays, as there were times when I wanted to participate in the excitement and joy while simultaneously feeling guilty for wanting to celebrate. That conflict didn’t necessarily go away with time, either.

Grief is complicated and unique to everyone—like a fingerprint. It comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes, the water is calm, and sometimes, it’s overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim through it.

Here are some tips for the upcoming holidays that might help you swim through your waves of grief.

Loss means that specific roles will need to be filled. It can be necessary to think ahead, especially with children, to consider who could fill those vacated roles as required. At the moment, this can make experiences feel a bit more fluid or enjoyable when some of those grief waves can be softened.

Touch Base With Your Grief

Grief doesn’t just take a backseat because the Christmas tree is up. It’s vital to acknowledge your feelings and not avoid them. It is normal to experience both painful and pleasant emotions while grieving. Happiness can exist in grief… comfort can exist in sorrow. It might feel like a struggle to understand or even accept those statements, but you’re allowed to experience good-to-feel emotions during your grief journey. Smiling and enjoying aspects of the holidays doesn’t take away from the loss you’ve experienced. It also doesn’t take away from how much you still love your loved one. You’re allowed to live a life your loved one is proud to watch over.

Identify Grief Coping Skills

Prior to the holidays starting, my encouragement is to begin to make a list of go-to things you can use wherever you are. It can be helpful when a grief wave hits unexpectedly. Take a walk outside, focus on elongating your breaths in and out, or journal/talk out loud to your loved one. Having a list ready can make those emotions in the moment a bit easier to feel and work through.

Ask For Help When Struggling

Even surrounded by friends and family, grief can make us feel lonely. It’s essential to seek support from people in your life. Pick someone you know won’t try to fix it, tell them it’s going to get better, or minimize what you’re feeling. Pick someone who is comfortable with riding the waves of emotion, their own and yours.

The holiday season can feel heavy, and it’s normal to feel apprehensive about it. You are not alone in that. Please remember that there isn’t a right or wrong way to go throughout the holidays while grieving. Be kind to yourself and try to take it one-holiday party and one feeling at a time.